(This was written to show a temptation that people often find themselves trapped in as it becomes a lie they start to believe, and then lie turns into lie and quickly we justify our unforgiving heart (a truly dangerous thing especially in light of Jesus' words about forgiveness.) , I've been there myself (in self pity) but this was inspired by someone I knew a couple years ago that sadly was prone to pitying himself to the extreme. As I watched him brooding while being unable to "reach" him, I wrote this. anyway I hope this shows how evil can quickly get a hold in our hearts if we focus on ourselves instead of Jesus)
I find myself abandoned and alone.
I refused their aid because they were wrong.
They were always wrong!
They should have carried out my orders.
They'd always preach to me, talking in those snide tones
"You're not the ship’s captain" "You don't know these seas" they’d proclaim,
I was always right…anyway, it should have worked!
It was their fault that it didn't!
They are the reason I ended up overboard in this abysmal place.
If they hadn’t cried out "Don't be a fool!" I wouldn't have fallen.
It was that last curse that made me lose my footing.
Abandoned and alone, they just... left me.
I may have refused their "help" but who cares I was right,
they couldn't have saved me that way.
Those arrogant swine!
Surrounded by an empty ocean now,
My body weak I finally succumb.
Falling for ages and yet, I don't hit bottom.
I can't hold my breath any longer.
I shall choose this wretchedness rather than giving them my salvation.
They've lost me now, and I was their only hope.
They don't deserve my gracious nobility, those wretches.
Forsaken hope now replaced by the water in my lungs.
Why aren't I dead yet? That would show them!
Surely I shall hit bottom soon… am I already there?
Alone at this moment I hate it! But I hate them more!
They never understood.
I can't do it now… I can't give in to them…but... I can't save myself!
What was that?!?!
The darkness stabs at the pains in my chest.
What is there!?
In the blackness they bite me,
I'm again surrounded by enemies.
I thrash around to no effect.
I find no wounds, yet how can that be?
I was sure that they beat me before they threw me over board.
That arrogant bunch of know nothings, they never cared about me.
They laughed as they threw the harpoons that pierced my chest.
"We're trying to help you" they mocked.
"Then listen to me!" I cried
Still black… and no wounds, am I dead?
The pressure is getting to me I think.
How deep am I? Is there any escape?
I will find a way! I don't need their help!
Pride is my strength… their "compassion" what a lie.
I see a bright light approaching, perhaps I’m dead. I must be dead.
It gets closer still; I can feel its blessed warmth.
I shall not run from death.
Though it should be them, not I, who die in this place,
The light has come and turned a bitter cold.
It was them in their suits, with the false sense of compassion.
Am I alright they ask, of course not, how fake they are,
They have come now in their diving gear to mock me.
Grabbing my hands to "save me"…more likely they'll pull me farther under.
With what strength I have left I push them away.
I don’t need them, they need me.
Perhaps if they beg for my forgiveness,
If they would only acknowledge how wrong they were, then I might return with them.
My lungs burning I reject their artificial aid.
Help is for the lame; I've survived thus far,
Blackness again, they left me, but I bruised one of them first I think.
It was all a game to them.
My misery will show them how wrong they were.
The longer I wait the worse they will feel.
They’re the ones who deserve this fate not me.
I'll use their self righteous indignation against them.
I was always clever that way.
Why won't it be quiet?
The chaotic water currents laugh as they crush me.
Why won't someone save me?
What have I done, why don’t they return?
Blackness still, why don't they come again?
If they do they better apologize a thousand times for leaving.
They knew I wanted their help.
They knew I had to fight them.
They'll be sorry if I'm dead when they return.
That would teach them the errors of their so called empathy.
I should just become a bloated corpse and scare the life out of them when they return.
Oh, how I'd laugh for being so right.
I can't believe they left me with diving gear and oxygen tank.
How could I possibly put it on in this black ferocious wasteland?
A way out of this nightmare, it’s so near and yet so impossibly far.
They never really cared! Prolonging my suffering by keeping me alive.
Showing me a way out and knowing I could never reach it.
If they don't care then neither do I.
Why would I want to live in the same world as them anyway?
I hate them!
I'll just stay here and make them weep for what they did to me.
Choking!
I can't stop choking as I weep for myself,
Swallowing sea water as if it were my tears.
My life is a tragic tale that no one deserves.
I certainly didn't deserve those condescending looks and glares.
Arrogance surrounded me in life.
But they'll get theirs when they meet the end.
That will teach them.
(I'm rewriting this as a poem but thought I'd post this version)
Praise God that He can save us and keep us from such deception, He is even bigger than self pity, amen! :)
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